Antarctica: Serene, Snowy Sanctuary, or Dangerous Rogue State?

In the world today there is a tragedy greater than grievous poverty, a problem more shocking than fundamentalist Trotskyism, an issue bigger than Laurie Oakes, and it’s right under our noses.

Antarctica.

For 4.5 billion years it has remained untouched, untapped and unspoilt. It has been the continent of the penguins, the whales and a couple of blokes who look like Matthew Chuk. It’s been taken for granted that this is the way it will always be, that we can’t see change in our lifetime, but I think outside the box, my friends. I am a dreamer.

I shall now break down the reality of the problem.

Penguins. Penguins are the pigeons of the snow. And pigeons are the rats of the sky. So, logically, penguins are the rats of the snow. These rats have been continually glorified in such vomit-inducing films as Happy Feet and that shitty documentary by Morgan Freeman, and the leftist media lap it up. 5 stars this, brilliant animation that. But where is the reality? There’s no analysis of the hard facts that these films get wrong. For example, did you know that:

• Penguins can’t dance, or sing?
• Penguins can’t talk, and even if they could, their voices would be incapable of escaping their body, entering another and taking on the vast and terrible armies of Mordor for great victory, because intangible concepts do not work that way?
• Morgan Freeman is not a penguin?

Yet we continue to pay money to those who generate these blatant falsehoods, the same people who target our children with this intellectual blasphemy. Action must be taken; we must defeat the penguin hordes.

Whales. Now we hear every second current affairs story about Australia’s growing obesity problem, how it’s the fast food chains that are to blame, and that it’s the fat human kids who are driving the average up. This is utter shit. Australian Antarctic Territory is infested with whales, and whales are fucking enormous. If you had a human that weighed 181 tonnes everyone would be calling for euthanasia to stop the bedsores from worsening, and McDonald’s would be getting sued for gross negligence.

Why has no one suggested we euthanise the whales?

Where are the law suits against the krill?

The Japanese are half way there, but far from being grateful all our own Malcolm Turnbull can do is call them barbaric and threaten to institute communist economic sanctions which are detrimental to both Australia and Japan. This is an utter disgrace; we must harpoon Turnbull.

Oil. In Antarctica, everywhere you look there’s oil. In wells under the ground, in deposits beneath the whales’ skin, even in the fur of washed up diseased otters that we’re supposed to feel sorry for because they got in the way of human progress. The case against the abuse of its resources is weaker than if you made a sandwich with 1-ply toilet paper as the bread, and a book containing every argument ever made for protectionism as the filling, then fed it to a kid with muscular dystrophy. The naysayers prattle on “But think of the sea creatures!” but we see through their lies and can expose their beloved critters for the scourge they really are.

We must sap the ice continent of every last drop of its sweet, black nectar and burn it recklessly, but leave just enough behind that it chokes the entire ecosystem leaving peace and calm where once lies walked. For only then will we have eternal summer; only then will we have beaches and bikinis all year round; and only then will we be able to swim without fear of the incoming penguin hordes.