Facebook: Making me realise I know too many shit people

This one is really straightforward. It’s really easy for me to be unimpressed.

If you’re friends with Steve price either physically or ether-eally (GET IT IT’S A NETWORKING JOKE I’M A LAUGH RIOT) I hope you die and I want you to die.

Seriously, the man is about as intelligent and conversant as tertiary syphilis without the benefit of the hallucinations.

Why it’d be unwise to write off the new Government.

So it happened, we all expected it to happen and it happened. The Ruddslide is in; the victory is absolute and the carrion are fighting over the carcass of Bennelong. Kevin Rudd is the new Prime Minister-Elect of Australia.

Admittedly he hasn’t taken office yet, but the trains are still running the sky, as of yet, has not fallen, and Australia still seems to be carrying on much the same. (Of course, much like Justin if there are any major changes that force some form of unprecedented or unpredicted complete economic or social catastrophe, I will eat headwear of your nomination to absolve myself)

Now Howard’s been voted out and Costello is goneskies from the leadership of the Liberals. The Libs are in a tailspin after the defeat and the second bloody war is on to see who will take over that party as supreme leader. That’s material for another post, though.

What’s important, and I think what really needs to be taken into account is what is the true toll of Rudd being put into power. We know one important thing; Rudd is essentially a Social Conservative. We won’t have a liberalisation of Drugs policy, we won’t have Same-Sex Marriages or Civil unions (Though apparently they will try to fix the de-facto rules of taxation to apply to same-sex couples), we won’t see that drastic a modification in how we attempt to police the pacific. We won’t see the Australian Federal Police relegated to a purely counter-terrorism (read: Fuck all) role. The wheels are still well lubricated and spinning as much as they would in modern politics.

The thing that’s now in the forefront of everyone’s mind is what does Rudd’s victory mean for Australia. We’ve a burgeoning economy, low unemployment, a fiat currency, etc. Where do we go from here with Rudd?

Well, let’s look towards where we are projected to go. Firstly; the inflation/interest rates scare is a bunch of bollocks. Labor won’t do anything to the independence of the reserve bank and our current system as it would make us the laughingstock of the international community.

As little tact as the man has in regards to not treating the people of Australia like monkeys, I feel he would not deliberately enact legislation that would turn our country into a banana republic.

I feel that I’ve raised a very important point here. He would not do these things.

The current Labor Leader/PM Elect is in a situation that hasn’t been seen in politics for almost a Century.

He pays little or no attention to Factions and Factional disputes.

It’s well known how disastrous Factionalism and Factional shitfighting can be for a Government, and more particularly the people of that government. That kind of self-interested cronyism can tear Governments apart and force the passing of the most ludicrous and uneconomic legislation that could bring our country to a standstill.

But it’s all going to be different this time.

Why? Labor owes everything to Kevin. Absolutely everything. He took them from a completely unelectable position with a minority in both houses, a group of individuals who were as unelectable as they were utterly unbearable, whacked on a coat of paint, stole a policy here and there and here we are. New Labor.

A Crisp, fresh feel. A shiny new face.

Now, I know, I know, let’s see what happens when the shine comes off. But let’s get real. We can’t do anything about it for 3 or so years, so that’s pretty much something that falls by the wayside at this point.

Rudd’s government will be characterised not by sweeping reforms or exorbitant spending (The Education revolution at this stage seems to be more of a lone nutter waving a well-punctuated placard, rather than an actual revolution) but by a steady maintenance of the Status Quo.

They’re going to repeal workchoices, in the sense that they’ll stop AWA’s and bump up the allowable matters, but they won’t return control to the states.

They’re going to attempt to work with the states about Hospitals, but we all know they’ll eventually just wrest control over that, too.

For those of you hoping (Either positively or negatively) for a sweeping series of economic reforms that will turn Australia into the fetid wet dreams of the Socialist Alternative, think again. Not a chance. No matter how much the Left Faction of the Labor party will try to force this move, Rudd will stand his ground. As much as we joke about Gillard rolling Rudd, there’s not a chance of that either. Through his careful manipulation of the whole campaign process, Rudd has entrenched himself well and truly within the psyche of the average Australian as BEING the Labor party. Rudd is their hopes of winning any subsequent election in a full twerp package.

Furthermore, as I’ve outlined, there will be no real sweeping social change (Except maybe a substantial look into our Social Justice programs under the guise of Christian Socialism).

Again, the status Quo will be maintained.

What will come out of this term is that people may or may not come to the conclusion that Rudd’s promises were so perfectly balanced that any piecemeal implementation of them will be heralded as a full commitment to them, but really nothing more. What we shall see at the end of this is a steady commitment to the status quo.

By the end of his first term, the more cynical of us will not remember Kevin07 or New Leadership, as anything more than a rhetorical afterthought.

What Rudd will however leave as his indelible mark on Australian Society, Politics and Culture is an unfortunate reality for both sides of the political divide.

Theorising fully for a moment, we will look back with full hindsight at his term and be able to sardonically encapsulate it in a single idiom:

Rudd: “Don’t Rock the Boat”.

After the win: It’s hypocrisy as usual for the Labor party

Not 48 hours since the polls closed on a federal election where the ALP was going ape shit over the prospect of an elected official resigning their post half way through their term, the Chief Minister from the Northern Territory has decided to resign for reasons she refuses to reveal. All I can say is at least Howard faced up to the fucking electorate with his decision, gave an explanation and outlined a succession plan.

There’s a special place in hell reserved for you all.

Ah, I’m conflicted.

It’s easy to criticise trivial/absurd/meaningless reasons for supporting a given party or candidate, until you realise your own reasons happen to fit into one or more of those categories. At least sometimes.

One of the notable outcomes of the election is the strong support for the Liberal party in WA. They didn’t lose a seat, and may in fact gain one. If the Libs are what you’re into, if that’s your thing, a possible reaction on your behalf may take the form of “Wow, at least there’s some common sense around out west, Western australians must be good for something other than digging up rocks”. Of course, for such a response to be realistic a general distaste for words would most likely complement your partiality for certain policies.

Such a distaste is what leads me to my problem. Everyone in WA is a completely fucking worthless waste of resources, with this lack of value being most evident when anything remotely political is involved. Everyone, all of them all the time. These are people who absolutely love government regulation, they love it. If a business’ request for extended trading hours is denied, a whole community will continuously involuntarily climax for a month. I think people actually getting off from excessive government intervention in markets is a situation which can be considered unique.

Now I’m not sure if you know what this actually means in effect. Outside the CBD, the only sunday trading that occurs in WA is during the christmas period. Supermakets close at 6pm on weekdays. Bars are only open between 4pm and 7pm on Sundays, and up until about a year ago it was illegal for you to purchase liquor on a Sunday anywhere else. A daylight savings trial going on hasn’t changed this at all. It will get dark at about 8.30, so for the last two and a half hours of the sun being out you can’t go to Coles and buy corn chips. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say this is the most inconvenient situation in the world. There have been referenda, oh yes. The wording is usually something like “Do you agree that we should extend trading hours and in doing so murder family values”. Voters always vote against change in a complete landslide. It’s great, really.

My point? WA for the most part votes Liberal due to the policies that are the least liberal. By that I mean the general political stance is one where a planned economy is supported, and social progress ignored. One nation WA being the result of taking these views to a new level of crazy. On that note, I think it is important that I mention that immigrants are took our jobs through unregulating our technology and the elimination of the phonograph. And that is family values, with the family values that keep our families valuable able to value our family in protectionism will keep you warm at night.

When people vote Liberal for reasons that aren’t really reasons, and all those people are major massive cunts, it’s hard not to take this into account when you think about your own vote. Not to mention the patronising little liberal party whores laughing at me when I asked where it was I actually voted within the puzzling array of brick classrooms. Shit will go down. That is something that will happen.

I”ll soon go all Prince Leonard on these fuckers, watch me.

Election Debrief 02-A: I see the future

Against my better judgement, it seems a lot of Australians have voted in favour of Labor in this election.

By which I mean to say that my judgement is better than a lot of Australians, and that some (presumably large) proportion of those same Australians cast votes contrary to the requirements for action based on my judgement. Ten thousand comedians are excited.

Currently, my home seat of Bennelong is under serious contention by invading Labo[u]r forces. With 77% of the ballots counted, Labo[u]r’s ‘star candidate’ under the guise of one recently-respectable Maxine McKew is polling with a 5.3% swing in her favour. The ABC have decided this is sufficient to call the seat hers, though the very experts they broadcast state such a swing is necessary only for her to be in the running, with 6.1% or greater required for a win. In truth though, postal votes will decide this seat at some indeterminate but comparatively distant point in time.

It is the collective will of the social majority that their government be changed to something new and exciting, because they are bored of John Howard’s administration. Their will shall be done, courtesy of the AEC. That being a given, observe the future:

Rudd will keep his election promises because, while it isn’t hard to keep promises when they take the form of broad generalisations almost completely encompassing current government policy, he also appears to be a witless mannequin with no idea what’s going on. I hope I’m wrong, really – I want the country in which I live to be as viable as possible – but all indications so far indicate a lack of comprehension on the part of Labo[u]r with regards to what keeps an economy afloat.

The next three years will see wideranging social reforms, which is code for exorbitant spending. Because of this, Rudd will win the 2011/12 election. Depending on his rate of economic deforestation/the effectiveness with which the Liberals point out his many colourful violations of sound governance principles, he may or may not gain a further majority.

Finally, in 2013/14 there will be a landmark election in which there is a severe victory for the Liberals over the corpse of Rudd’s popularity. The leader of the Liberal Party and elected Prime Minister will be Joe Hockey. Do you know why? Allow me to end by enlightening you:

You’ll vote for this man. Trust me.

Election Debrief 01-A

Today I sprung from my bed at the crack of half-past midday, so eager to perform my mandatory civil service that I didn’t even have time to gather the will to shower. Today was indeed the day to join the thronging hordes as I ventured out in the company of my whole family, something we do far less often than our Korean suburb-mates. Seriously, Coles is not a theme park.

At first I was dismayed – everything seemed to be normal in Ewoo plaza, down to the strailyan-flag-hatted crazy hobo with his beer-stained cardboard placard “thanking ‘Honest John’ for Core and Non-Core”. Only the sparkling visage of said John the Honest tipped off the casual observer to the day’s events, as he smiled from a cheery wooden A-frame battle formation.

Leaving Fire Team Howard to deal with the cunning hobo they’d surrounded, we advanced toward our local ‘polling place’ a.k.a. ‘Eastwood Public Space Camp fundraiser – Now with Extreme Voting!’ The lights! The pageantry! Oh, what a glorious path to the ballot! Fuck off, Baby-Blue-Shirted Pamphleteer! Screw you, Orange-saurus Rex! Wait, fortune cookies? Hell yeah! No that’s okay, I’ll take one without the flyer. What? No? Well fuck you too! Happy times, happy people. I love the election.

My mum was perplexed by the complete lack of Labor paraphenalia, despite the fact that every single poster we’d passed on the school fence was one of those ‘Don’t let them take Workchoices further” black-backed funfests. She noted on the way out that she thought they were pro-Liberal, because they are basically just a photo that makes Howard and Costello look hardcore. Oh, how we laughed in their minder’s face as she told us that “some people see the black as symbolic.” That’s right, some thoughtless Labor bitch actually tried to read a profound and esoteric meaning into her very own propaganda. Ha ha! What a whore.

Alas, just as I was beginning to enjoy my game of Dead Tree Gauntlet (you lose if you accept a pamphlet, even a single one), one of Bitchtits McKew’s crew blocked the footpath off and forced us through a gate, saving us from the god-awful eyestrain that would clearly be induced by the sight of a single John Howard poster. This man, this Crony Hero, he was a true winner. How can you fail to be swayed by such staggering… confidence? Confidence. Confidence that his “no, you have to go through here” was a flawless Phrase of Power, rendering all who heard it incapable of divining his reasons for diverting our path. He’s right, too. Swinging voters are sure to be convinced by a coreflute PM, I mean hell they’d be walking right past it! Much better to piss them off with you and your own party by blocking their way to the free ice cream van. Oooooh, snap! “Vote Labor.” Well shit, you convinced me.

Turned out that said van was part of a themed display, along with a battery of Her Majesty’s Royal Flyer Distributive Corps human artillery and a coreflute poster encased in a giant block of solid ice. Ten points if you guess the party…

*** TEN POINT SPOILER ALERT ***

Gold umbrellas rule Ganymede

*** SPOILERS FINISHED ***

The Climate Change Party. Sucks to be you, I lied! Competition void, all prizes rescinded. But yeah, can you believe that? Ice and it’s cream exploited by the jumperlovers! YOU ALTERED THE CLIMATE OF MY FUCKING ICE CREAM CONE! Just painting ‘100% Carbon Neutral’ on your van doesn’t mean it isn’t running on fuckin’ diesel right in my fuckin’ face, here. Did you know that the trees you planted to neutralise this van’s carbon emissions actually re-emit the shit out of over 90% of the CO2 they absorb? I mean, hell – shouldn’t you be concerned about entropy? You’re directly shortening the lifespan of the universe you dicks!

Eventually I became so angry, so very very angry that everyone left by remaining stationary as I walked away. I feel like I accomplished something by voting today, something important with a very real impact. On my fine-free bank account. Ha ha, you’re one in a million, John C. Voter! Correction, you’re one in TWENTY million. Feel special? You shouldn’t, you’re not. Your vote is not your ‘voice’, just look around you at all the screaming idiots if you want proof. To validate identities we trust in the foolproof power of trust itself, unless you think ticking names in texta turns a polling station attendant into a perfect arbiter of truth and justice. Ask Dan, he’s just such an attendant and the most corrupt person I know.

Anyway, in the event that Rudd somehow wins tonight I need a few things done. [DISTRIBUTOR 4-T], you need to set aside 8GB of Reaper DDR2-800, a Phenom 9500 and a Radeon HD 3870. [DISTRIBUTOR 3-S], I think you’re my guys for a 790FX mobo, MSI I think. Also need a 500GB Barracuda, Maxtor if they’re cheaper. Hell, probably get the HX-620HX from you while I’m at it. That should about do it for the moment, need to scope out a decent screen(s) before I decide. Readers, I’m gonna need you all to sign up at ForEx and buy like hell into USD. Team effort, I need my new computer before I get fucked by Rudd’s Fresh Thinking for Exchange Rates.

What are you waiting for? Hit the RSS link above and watch the tally broadcast while you wait for further instructions. Go.

…

Go! GO!

First Liveblog Update: HOLD YOUR BREATH

If you’re reading this and expecting actual proper coverage, obey this blog post’s title.

Indefinitely.

If you honestly think we contribute anything of value I hope you die and I want you to die.

Live Coverage

Our SCIENCE TEAM WILL HAVE LIVE ELECTION COVERAGE THAT WE MAKE THE HELL UP BECAUSE WE NO LONGER GIVE A SHIT!

Kevin “I think you’re all Monkeys” versus John “I agree with Kevin’s stance on the Holocaust” throw down upon the time where you all go and vote

HINT: Do not. There are Union thugs, Jackie Kelly told me. Boy does her husband hate them you should hear about them and their THUG LYFE.

It’s a bitch being a Pimp.

Anyway according to every source other than the SMH and the Australian the two party preferred is at like 48/52 which is pretty much the margin of error.

According to the SMH it’s 1,000,000:0 in favour of Commissar Rudd, and the Australian has refused to accept the existence of any political party other than the Liberals as… they have not donated to its annual “if you pay us we will print whatever shit you want, drive.”

What I’m essentially saying is that the Australian is able to be bought and sold quite easily if you pay them. They will tell journalists to write whatever you pay for.

I’m saying that they are a corrupt organisation that shouldn’t be trusted because they are bribed to spread misinformation.

I am accusing them of breaking the law, yes.

That said and done. We are live blogging stuff. In that we will post whatever retarded nonsense comes to our head or our cameras.

Stay tuned… all Me of you.

EDIT: What I meant to say was in the words of Andrew Landeryou “I can never earn a proper income, I eat dog food because if I earn any money the failings of my attempts to gain from the Web Bubble will get me sued to death… and then I’ll be eating dog food anyway.”

Seriously though, we love you Andrew. I’m so glad your life has amounted to this.

Hey hey hey – Kevin fades away.

Hah! What a wild ride. And the surprise ending really blew me. Away. I think we can all agree that this outcome was a combined effort, thanks not only to the dazzling complacency of the reigning Liberal champs but to the star power of Peter “Gagging on Sperm©” Garret and Maxtreme McLews-Elections… Of course, let’s not forget the handsome, rugged balloon-head features of their fearsome bobblehead I mean leader.

… I’m being told that the election… yes, okay, the election is tomorrow. Let’s just say… um… let’s just say I called it. Ah, yes so… yeah anyhow our live coverage is in fact totally live. Just keep reading, okay? I need to eat.

Put your money where my mouth is.

Dan wants me to blog about nuclear power

Oh sorry, I didn’t mean power. I meant energy, like we use in our homes (formerly ‘houses’). Not power, like the white devil uses to keep da black man down.

Point is, new-kya-lerr power is the business and it always has been. Fun fact: the best place to store expended fuel is right the fuck where it is spent, because it goes right ahead and un-spends itself. Into plutonium, if y’all feels like it. Srsly, stick enough uranium bricks near enough to each other and eventually you basically have yourself a scale model of the sun.

Now I know someone is going to look that up in their fuck-off big nuclear chemistry textbookernet etcetera but to them I say PSCHAW! Secret code, means ‘GTFO of my face’. At present, at least a third of all electricity produced by US nuclear power stations comes from bred fuel – yeah that’s right, baby uranium shitted from the cunt of mummy uranium because she’s not on the pill. In this case, the pill is pyrolytic graphite, otherwise knows as ‘the coolest shit out’ and ‘the principal component of my ten-foot bunker walls’. Bred fuel is manufactured inside the reactor from ‘spent’ fuel. It is cool-onium. Breeders are the first and simplest kind of reactor, the very first commissioned, working reactor on it’s maiden day of operation powered a light bulb. The next day it powered the whole building. Do you see where I’m going with this? If not, let me introduce you to my friend the price-sticker-dispenser. Put it in a holster and pretend you passed the police aptitude test!

Despite all this, nuclear power is not the way we should be going.

“But now I’m convinced! I even sent you the $25 post-reading fee!”

Nuts to your ass-mar! There is another way which actively restores a pretty fucked aspect of the enviroment (seriously though, I expect $25 if you’ve read this far). I like to call it Sweet Mary Oil. Also ‘oil’. You know what oil is, right? It’s you. And your family, and all your things. Here’s an example of ‘your things’: Garbage! Oil is a mixture of various hydrocarbon fractions, cracked and categorised into different subtypes like ‘Light Petrol’, ‘Diesel’ and ‘Kevin Rudd’. I don’t like that man, not even a bit. Anyhow, throw your assorted human-or-other rubbish into a giant garbage disposal, pressurise and heat to 15atm/500°C for 15 minutes, flash boil all the moisture out by knocking the lid off the pressure tank and fill up your car. Okay, refine and then fill up your car. Oh shit, we turned a liability into an asset! Whatever will we do?!

On another note, I was innocently driving up and down my street today while on a regular voluntary zombie patrol when I was visually accosted by a rented-out state transit bus (of the old-as-fuck variety) plastered in ‘Kevin Rudd and Maxine McKew for BENNELONG’ regalia. This made me sick to my stomach. Just thought you’d like to know.